Some things I love about my church

1. First and foremost, I love my Sunday school class. It's a ladies class with people around my age, and it's fabulous. It's very informal and feels very sincere and real. LOVE it.

2. On a newborn's first Sunday in churrch, Pastor Steve does this thing where he picks them up and carries them around the sanctuary so that everyone can get a good look.

3. There are some ADORABLE little kids here. I played Play-Doh with them in nursery for a few minutes this Sunday; so fun. I'm going to have to volunteer for nursery duty --- I haven't done that since I was in my teens. I'm going to have to relearn how to change diapers, I guess :)

4. There are a lot of people who genuinely seem to LIKE each other, and spend time together outside of the church.

5. We are meeting some awesome, fun and talented teens!

6. There's lots of ways for me to be involved, but no where that I'm really desperately NEEDED. So I am slowly evaluating where my gifts might best be applied, and in the meantime just enjoying being a part of random things at random times.

7. The board (LBA) is AWESOME! Ridiculously awesome! Encouraging, helpful, and desiring to see the church change, grow, and be healthy.

8. I met people there that I now consider FRIENDS. Not just CHURCH friends, but LIFE friends. That's the best part of all.

Reality sets in

Today was the first time since we've moved here that I've been sad. At first I thought it was simply boredom, and that's definitely a part of it --- I haven't been working much this week because I don't officially start back until Monday. So I'm out of my regular schedule, and I've been trying to fill my week with random things, resorting mostly to excessive napping and television and Facebook games. That worked for awhile, but today it just didn't do it for me, and I got what I now recognise as being sad.

Previously, I was overworked and underpaid and often miserable. But at least I was busy. Always busy. If even a hint of boredom were to set in, I would just keep working.

Here, when I'm working, my days are full enough, and my evenings are delightful because I've been with people all day, so it's okay to be alone. Or it's okay to spend time with others, because I like my job and come home with energy left over.

I spent today desperate for human contact, but not knowing where to seek it. Jill is the only one that I would feel comfortable calling and saying "Hey, can I butt in on your day and spend some time with you?". But Jill was working. So I sat around most of the day willing the phone to ring.

Then it did ring - Esther called to invite Paul and I over. And I was elated, because I NEEDED to get out, was so excited to finally have an invitation. But Paul didn't want to go --- this is his perogative; it's his day off, going into a busy weekend. He should be allowed to vegg. Right?

But over the edge I went as I hung up the phone, barracaded myself in my room, and was suddenly struck by how lonely I was. There was moping, a little crying, more Facebook games, and now blogging. And now more crying, incidentally.

Despite that I feel pretty crappy right now, I see this as positive --- In my "old life", I was so drained all the time that I wanted to be alone every chance I got. (Lynnette was the obvious exception, because she would come over and we'd be drained together.) So now WANTING to be with people and have real connections, that's got to be a good thing. It means I'm healing and ready to build relationships again. Now it's just a matter of re-learning how to go about that, and also training my pride to fit into the culture I live in now, where people don't seem to resent spending time with each other, busy or not.

But I also need to relearn how to be alone --- in the healthy sense. So that I can be okay with that, too.

I think I'll go mope in the bath, and then go to bed early. I'll let tomorrow be a new day.

That (see previous post) being said...

...I need to repent of a lack of trust. I am intensely paranoid or perhaps superstitious about my new-found happiness. I keep waiting for something terrible to happen and for the happiness to be snatched away. I'm waiting to be diagnosed with a fatal illness, for Paul to be in a car accident, for our house to burn down, for my new friends to decide I'm not really worth the bother.

I guess I feel like God gave me a break when I was at the end of my roped physically and emotionally, and that once I've regained my strength I'm going to be tossed back into the fray. And that's no way to live. Life will not always be this great, and there will be challenges to be faced. But they're not to be dreaded, and right now I dread them. Maybe that means there's more healing needed for me. Or maybe I just need to stop being ridiculous.

I guess the chorus of the song isn't as silly as I may have indicated:

"This innocence is brilliant; I hope that it will still -
This moment is perfect; Please don't go away..."

I wish I could live in this peace forever.

I almost resent that Avril said it best...

...but she did. Minus a ridiculous chorus, which I removed, this is "Innocence", and it's how I feel.

Waking up I see that everything is ok
The first time in my life and now it's so great
Slowing down I look around and I am so amazed
I think about the little things that make life great
I wouldn't change a thing about it
This is the best feeling

I found a place so safe, not a single tear
The first time in my life and now it's so clear
Feel calm, I belong, I'm so happy here
It's so strong and now I let myself be sincere
I wouldn't change a thing about it
This is the best feeling

It's the state of bliss you think you're dreaming
It's the happiness inside that you're feeling
It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry

1. Ebay and 2. Holiness for Service

1. I won my first Ebay auction last night - for a flute. It's something I've wanted for a long time, and went to buy when I was in Hali on the weekend. But the place I'd been planning to get one didn't have any left. SO, after assisting Chris Stephens during ministerial using my PalPal account (which I had never used before) it occurred to me how easy and potentially fun Ebaying could be. I'm going to need some serious boundaries now that I've caught the bug. I've already told myself that I'm not even allowed to LOOK on Ebay again until my flute arrives.

2. It's been a long time since I thought seriously about holiness, which makes me sad because I used to be so passionate about it. Last night on the phone my mom and I discussed the differences between Calvinism and Arminianism (she was brought up Calvinist as a Christian Reformed --- they actually had a hymn they used to sing in "Young Peoples" that was entitled something like "Calvinists are We") and it got my brain returning a bit to my days of academia where debating and owning these concepts made me first desire to be and then proud to be a Wesleyan-Arminian.

But in Sunday School (there's a women's class here with people around my age in it - I GET TO *GO* TO SUNDAY SCHOOL! I LOVE IT!) we talked a bit about intimacy with God and Christ, and I realized that while I've longed for holiness, it's always been for SERVICE, not to produce intimacy. I.E. I don't long for intimacy. Does that make sense? I believe that I am called to holiness because true holiness is God's answer to the wrongs of the world. It is as holy followers of Christ that we can most effectively fulfill our mandate of loving others as ourselves. But the idea is starting to take root somewhere inside me that it is as holy followers of Christ that we walk in closest intimacy with Him. And I don't care as much as I should, even though the mandate of loving the Lord with all your heart actually trumps loving our neighbours in the grand scheme, and really is a prerequisite.

I've obviously got a lot of reprogramming to do.