Reality sets in

Today was the first time since we've moved here that I've been sad. At first I thought it was simply boredom, and that's definitely a part of it --- I haven't been working much this week because I don't officially start back until Monday. So I'm out of my regular schedule, and I've been trying to fill my week with random things, resorting mostly to excessive napping and television and Facebook games. That worked for awhile, but today it just didn't do it for me, and I got what I now recognise as being sad.

Previously, I was overworked and underpaid and often miserable. But at least I was busy. Always busy. If even a hint of boredom were to set in, I would just keep working.

Here, when I'm working, my days are full enough, and my evenings are delightful because I've been with people all day, so it's okay to be alone. Or it's okay to spend time with others, because I like my job and come home with energy left over.

I spent today desperate for human contact, but not knowing where to seek it. Jill is the only one that I would feel comfortable calling and saying "Hey, can I butt in on your day and spend some time with you?". But Jill was working. So I sat around most of the day willing the phone to ring.

Then it did ring - Esther called to invite Paul and I over. And I was elated, because I NEEDED to get out, was so excited to finally have an invitation. But Paul didn't want to go --- this is his perogative; it's his day off, going into a busy weekend. He should be allowed to vegg. Right?

But over the edge I went as I hung up the phone, barracaded myself in my room, and was suddenly struck by how lonely I was. There was moping, a little crying, more Facebook games, and now blogging. And now more crying, incidentally.

Despite that I feel pretty crappy right now, I see this as positive --- In my "old life", I was so drained all the time that I wanted to be alone every chance I got. (Lynnette was the obvious exception, because she would come over and we'd be drained together.) So now WANTING to be with people and have real connections, that's got to be a good thing. It means I'm healing and ready to build relationships again. Now it's just a matter of re-learning how to go about that, and also training my pride to fit into the culture I live in now, where people don't seem to resent spending time with each other, busy or not.

But I also need to relearn how to be alone --- in the healthy sense. So that I can be okay with that, too.

I think I'll go mope in the bath, and then go to bed early. I'll let tomorrow be a new day.