A spirit of fear

I'm tired of being afraid.

Politics is a hard thing for me; I submit well to the rules of it, but rarely for the right reasons. I don't "play ball" so that I can die on more important hills. I play ball because I'm afraid of personal attack. I can defend systems and decisions, but when it gets personal, I tend to be emotionally useless.

Maybe the fear is what's keeping me from moving ahead of God. Because a lot of times, toxic paradigms are so gripping that even if you tell someone the truth in the most love you can muster, back it up with Scripture, spell it out with Scrabble letters, bring in famous theologians and speakers to reinforce the message... they still won't get it. Until God can somehow pierce the paradigm or convict the heart, we're wasting our breath, and probably getting in His way.

I would rather be held back by that knowledge than by the fear. But the knowledge is so mind-boggling sometimes, it probably wouldn't be enough. Because I don't get how they don't get it. My paradigm just doesn't make room for anyone else's.

In any case, the fear doesn't help me a whole lot; it's probably the most useless defense mechanism I've ever exercised. I imagine that I actually feel much more miserable cowering than I would confronting. I want to pray that God will release me from the fear, but frankly, I'm afraid of what I'd do with the bravery. Because I know there's a lot I want to say with love, because I sincerely care about them and see that they are hurting themselves... but I also know that those I want to say things to are not likely to recognise the love.

I never imagined that fear would become a stronghold in my life. Before Jesus got hold of my heart, I felt like I was emotionally invincible - I didn't care enough about other people to be hurt by them. But as he softened me up to begin to love other people, I guess it just took me by such surprise that I never thought to learn how to protect myself from the arrows coming in.

I don't want to be invincible again. I will accept the hurt if it means I can love and have compassion and show grace. I'm just tired of being afraid, and I never want to be unreceptive to God's call because of it should the time to share truth come. I never want to be the "O Lord, send someone else to do it" guy... Although, look what became of Moses after he said that. I'm not sure I want to be the "Let my people go" guy either.

I miss having people in my life like Miah and Alison and Sarah and my BBC buddies. Or maybe I just miss being a point in my life like it was when we were all together --- when everything seemed so black and white and church politics didn't seem all that necessary because we knew the score. I miss being bold in my opinions and having people to spar with about them so that when I finally stepped out, things were firm in my own mind and I knew I had friends cheering me on and waiting eagerly to hear how things played out.

But I don't miss being mean and strong. He MUST become greater - I MUST become less. I must. Yet He's with me, HE'S cheering me on. So what am I afraid of?

Patience and perfect gifts

I was asked to write an article for a newsletter I sometimes contribute to. The last two times were holidays, which made the theme easy. This theme came out of a recent conversation and subsequent thought on the matter. Here's what I came up with.

I only recently outgrew the habit of putting ice cubes in my hot chocolate. Beyond the lack of available ice cubes at crucial times, I credit patience for this major step in my personal development. My seven year old self always wanted the special treat "right now". As an adult, I'm able to recognize that by letting it sit a few extra minutes, my hot chocolate will be ready to enjoy in due time if I'm only willing to wait.

The thing about ice in hot chocolate is that it's not a perfect solution to lack of patience. It's not an immediate fix, but it gives you a sense of confidence that often ends up burning your tongue. And when the ice does its job, it changes the drink, watering it down and making the taste less rich. The same is often true in life when we run ahead of God's timing. In our haste to possess a blessing "right now", the good and perfect gifts of our Father in heaven are watered down, and we've robbed ourselves of the intended richness of the experience or relationship. Or, we get burned, either because we aren't ready, or the gift is not ready.

Financial blessings are so much less fulfilling when we're too quick to spend, not stopping to wonder what the very BEST use of the money might be. The gift of nature suffers under trash and smog and changing climates. Sex is a gift that is meant for marriage - outside of that context, it is watered down, and people get hurt. You might be destined by God for greatness and blessed with talents and abilities to that end, but by pushing ahead without laying the necessary foundation, success may be a house of cards - harder to build and easier to knock down. And not the same gift that God intended.

The sad thing is that we may never recognize the greatness of the gift before we watered it down. Then we wonder about the Source of the blessing, offering the half-hearted thanks worthy of the socks under the Christmas tree, completely oblivious to the fact that when God lovingly wrapped the gift with us in mind, it contained something so much more precious and wonderful. How it must hurt His heart when we smile and put on our new socks and mistakenly believe that God had nothing better intended for us.

Thankfully, the greatest gift cannot be watered down: God sent His Son Jesus to walk among humankind, to die on the cross for the salvation of all who will receive forgiveness, accept Christ's lordship, and believe that He was raised from the dead. Patience is still the issue - GOD is patient as He waits and calls and nudges us to readiness, preparing our hearts to receive His Gift, His Son, and to become His children.

Matthew 7:9-11 (NIV) says: "What man is there among you who, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!"

Have you received the greatest Gift of Jesus? And if so, are you receiving the fullness of His blessings when as His child you ask Him to meet your needs and fulfill the desires of your heart?

Be patient. Don't settle for socks. Leave the ice cubes in the freezer and simply WAIT. Slow down. Ask for wisdom and guidance so that you can be a good steward of the gifts you receive. And embrace the joy that comes from experiencing the richness of what God truly intends for you.