Toast, barring a miracle of God

As in, I will BE toast.

I am exhausted. I came over to Saint John on the boat Tuesday (where I missed my nap because the boat wasn't rough enough), spent a usual late night Mao-ing it up with the Youngs, woke the next day and had a busy day (missed by nap again), spoke at Mugs grad that night, and stayed up late again. Thursday was up early to play Caylus (well, I've been getting up at 7 every day --- the game didn't start 'til 8:30) with Gracie and Dan, then the bustle of getting the Youngs packed and sent off to Caton's. Then I did Exalt prep all afternoon (and yes, missed my nap). Lynnette came over. Late night of playing Mario I on the Wii. Up early the next day for Exalt prep again, and to the Myerseses for overnight (was in bed by 11, but still missed my nap). Adventures and general ridiculousness at the Myerseses 'til 3 this afternoon. Exalt prep, then, FINALLY, a nap. But it helped not a bit.

And Exalt hasn't even started yet! So, I will be toast, barring a miracle of God.

Movies I saw this trip and enjoyed: Yentl (Barbra Steisand; I hated the end and it bugged me that Mandy Patinkin was in the movie but didn't sing!) and Court Jester (with a young Angela Landsbury and the mother from Mary Poppins; like a subtle (and clean) Monty Python, with more singing).

What to do, what to do...

I am all about supporting worthy causes. Every once in awhile it occurs to me that I am donating with money that's not really mine, since Paul and I are ridiculously in debt (student loans, car loan, credit cards, etc.), but frankly, I don't care. God has been faithful to provide - we are making our payments, so big whip.

Today this global food crisis is getting to me like nothing ever has before. I can't do enough. I've already committed to cutting back on our own grocery bill so we can put money toward helping. I cut down our phone and satellite services to basic when I finished at my job, but decided to keep it that way (satellite will eventually go altogether, as soon as I can talk my husband into that. Internet would be gone too, but we both need it for our work/volunteering). There's things I want, some things that I have wanted for a long time, but I'm doing my best to talk myself out of all unnecessary purchases so that I'm freed up to give. I still slip up, but with God's help, I'm doing much better to live with integrity in this area. I'm going to start borrowing things I only need temporarily, and yard sale-ing for things I need for longer. No more buying books --- that's what the library is for. No more buying gifts --- making donations in people's names (and asking them to do the same for Paul and I rather than giving us gifts) is what I feel compelled to do. I still need to deal better with the eating out issue, but considering I can't eat anything good (i.e. greasy) when eating out anyway, that helps a lot.

But it's not enough. I understand the principle of "once you've done all you can, help other's to do the same", but I don't know how to do that. I mean, I DO know, but... Well, for example, right now there's a group from our church raising money for a missions trip to the Ukraine. So wouldn't it be wrong of me to launch some major fundraising compaign that would run in competition to that (whether it was meant to or not) or any of the other very worthy causes around here?

I know, I know, there's lots to go around. But still.

And what about supporting other "worthy causes"? Is it right to donate money to the Girl Guides or to a missions team or to the humane organization I volunteer for or support someone in some kind of Run for Life event when I could be using that money to donate toward the global food crisis? Should I be buying my foster kid from El Salvador that big birthday gift I had planned? People are hungry, and dying, and the world is in turmoil, perhaps moreso than ever before.

What to do, what to do...

What about you? What, if anything, do you feel compelled to do? What do you wish you could do?

It makes it so much easier that I don't have kids --- gracious, how do you go about balancing a compassionate heart with wanting the very, very best in comfort and happiness for a family? --- and that I have a husband that doesn't question where our money goes (he's happy as long as he has enough for Tim Horton's coffee and frozen taquitos). I'd love to hear from a few of you who have a family and feel torn in this sort of thing.

Before I loved Jesus, I was so burdened by the state of the world. I'm so greatful that God is in control, and that he does not burden, but CHALLENGES us to be his hands and feet. Because I hate what I see happening in the world. But I love a challenge.

Practice

My Person and another dear friend and I have gotten into the practice of "Practicing Community". Those of you in evangelical circles have heard this language, no doubt, and would have an idea of what I mean.

This started when one evening we were playing Dutch Blitz and the topic of "authentic community" came up. We defined it --- honesty, accountability, the idea of "if you have anything against your brother leave your offering"; essentially the idea of doing life together as the Body of Christ in the way that the Bible seems to indicate God has created us to do, for our own good and for Kingdom good. And after the defining process, we pondered how on earth one would go about it. Not that we didn't recognize the benefits. But considering the church does NOT currently operate like that, it would essentially need to be grandfathered in. And does that ever work? This isn't a program, after all. This is changing the way we relate to people, which perhaps might be simple enough in theory, except that it would also involve changing the way THEY relate to US.

But despite our bafflement, that night we embarked on the project of "Practicing Community" with one another. And when I say "practice", I mean it in the sense that we were PRACTICING like an athelete or a musician practices. Trying it out. Giving ourselves permission to suck and get better.

I will share more on this in the future, but for now I will just say that I am truly blessed to be a part of this project. I have learned so much about myself (and about how I am not unique or alone in my struggles... what a relief!) and about the freedom that comes from not having to second guess myself, because I am in community with people who have pledged to be honest with me about how they are feeling. If I feel like I have offended one of them, it is my responsibility to immediately make that right. If I have been offended, the same thing. If I am struggling, it is my responsibility to not struggle alone, but to seek accountability and help. And it is their responsibility to do that to the best of their ability, so I don't have to feel guilty about imposing, or feel alone. If I am lying to myself, they are there to tell me, not coddle me. But still to love me. Gracious.

Not that we've got it all figured out. PRACTICE. It's okay to get it wrong when you have pledged to be honest and forgive mistakes. For me, my current area of practice is learning to speak the TRUTH in love boldly (which I have little trouble with with my Community) while being careful to distinguish that from speaking my OPINION in love, which should not be done so boldly. And, of course, learning how speaking the TRUTH to my Community must be altered to speak truth in love to other brothers and sisters in Christ. Because my Community knows me and is learning to understand my personality, to recognize that if I speak forcefully it reflects that I love and care forcefully. So how DOES that translate into people that don't know me as intimately?

Anyway, I don't know why I'm so amazed to be so fulfilled by something God intended all along, that he wrote down 2000 years ago. But I am. Amazed and fulfilled and blessed beyond measure.

What about you? Have you seen this or experienced this?