A spirit of fear

I'm tired of being afraid.

Politics is a hard thing for me; I submit well to the rules of it, but rarely for the right reasons. I don't "play ball" so that I can die on more important hills. I play ball because I'm afraid of personal attack. I can defend systems and decisions, but when it gets personal, I tend to be emotionally useless.

Maybe the fear is what's keeping me from moving ahead of God. Because a lot of times, toxic paradigms are so gripping that even if you tell someone the truth in the most love you can muster, back it up with Scripture, spell it out with Scrabble letters, bring in famous theologians and speakers to reinforce the message... they still won't get it. Until God can somehow pierce the paradigm or convict the heart, we're wasting our breath, and probably getting in His way.

I would rather be held back by that knowledge than by the fear. But the knowledge is so mind-boggling sometimes, it probably wouldn't be enough. Because I don't get how they don't get it. My paradigm just doesn't make room for anyone else's.

In any case, the fear doesn't help me a whole lot; it's probably the most useless defense mechanism I've ever exercised. I imagine that I actually feel much more miserable cowering than I would confronting. I want to pray that God will release me from the fear, but frankly, I'm afraid of what I'd do with the bravery. Because I know there's a lot I want to say with love, because I sincerely care about them and see that they are hurting themselves... but I also know that those I want to say things to are not likely to recognise the love.

I never imagined that fear would become a stronghold in my life. Before Jesus got hold of my heart, I felt like I was emotionally invincible - I didn't care enough about other people to be hurt by them. But as he softened me up to begin to love other people, I guess it just took me by such surprise that I never thought to learn how to protect myself from the arrows coming in.

I don't want to be invincible again. I will accept the hurt if it means I can love and have compassion and show grace. I'm just tired of being afraid, and I never want to be unreceptive to God's call because of it should the time to share truth come. I never want to be the "O Lord, send someone else to do it" guy... Although, look what became of Moses after he said that. I'm not sure I want to be the "Let my people go" guy either.

I miss having people in my life like Miah and Alison and Sarah and my BBC buddies. Or maybe I just miss being a point in my life like it was when we were all together --- when everything seemed so black and white and church politics didn't seem all that necessary because we knew the score. I miss being bold in my opinions and having people to spar with about them so that when I finally stepped out, things were firm in my own mind and I knew I had friends cheering me on and waiting eagerly to hear how things played out.

But I don't miss being mean and strong. He MUST become greater - I MUST become less. I must. Yet He's with me, HE'S cheering me on. So what am I afraid of?